Sleepless Dreamer - Night Thoughts & Daydreams: I Miss...

Sleepless Dreamer - Night Thoughts & Daydreams: I Miss...: What I miss about you...  I miss your chocolate brown eyeballs and your beautiful lips.   How your smile could make my heart skip a beat. ...

Hugs Heal - Part II

A couple weeks ago I wrote a blogpost called "Hugs Heal - So Hug Like You Mean It". In that post I shared the hugs that have impacted me most in my life. At the time, there were only around 16 hugs that had etched their memory deep into my soul. 


On July 11th, 2012, my world changed forever when my beautiful 16 year old daughter Amanda took her own life and, with that devastating event, the number of significant hugs that I have received and have given has become uncountable.  Hugs came to us immediately from coworkers, neighbors, relatives, church members, friends of our family, and friends of our daughters. Prayers and hugs were sent out across Twitter with a #HugsHeal hashtag and Facebook wall notifications. Friends of Friends, who didn't even know us sent out their hugs and prayers and I felt strengthened by them all. Strangers who understood our grief from having endure the same dire circumstances and strangers who had never experienced the loss of a child, but knew it would feel almost unsurvivable without love from others; strangers or not. 


In our LDS faith, as in many others, when someone passes the congregation pulls together to provide love, support, and meals. Lots and lots of meals. With each meal that is dropped off, I could almost see the remnants of tears that spilled onto their aprons as they prepared nourishment for our family using ingredients of love, friendship, hope, and pain. One of my co-workers came by the day after Amanda's passing, knowing that our home would be filled with teenagers coming to grieve, pay respects, and heal each other, she brought tons of snacks and drinks. When Amanda's friends came, we were prepared and I was extremely grateful. Friends and family came from near and far to hold us. My friend Lara, who I mention in my Hugs Heal blog, even organized my kitchen while our family friend Mandy J. cleaned up. Others stopped by to volunteer their services, even if it meant walking our three dogs. Church members who served their mission in our area and who had become a part of our family came too. We had visitors from North Carolina, Texas, Utah, BC, and both Northern and Southern California... all to wrap their arms around us to tell us we are not alone. Donations also poured in to help with the funeral expenses, taking a huge burden off our shoulders so we could focus on the healing process with our two older daughters. 


I don't think I could have made it through without all of you. No one should ever have to experience a loss of any kind alone. Whether it be the loss of a loved one, a family pet, or friend, we should all learn to reach out to one another and give what we can of ourselves. My daughter Amanda was a very happy girl who had a brief moment of despair.  Let this be a reminder to all of us to love deeply. My daughter was very loved and she loved deeply. We know she did not intend for the outcome to be this final, but it can not be changed. We must Carry On and live worthily so we can all be reunited again. Think about your decisions before you act. Choose the Right (CTR). 


I feel like I have so much writing to do, but my heart will only let me get it out in pieces. Bare with me. Love Me. Hug Me. #hugsheal

Carry On, Carry On

I can’t tell you how much I miss your laughter 
And those teasing names that said you loved me too 
You bugged me so much about cutting my hair 
So it is short again just for you 
I know I yelled because you would take my clothes, 
But if you were here now they would all be yours 
I would give up anything... Do anything 
To have you here with me once more 


Don’t cry Lauren, 
I am not gone
Carry on sister, 
Carry on, carry on 

When you were little I carried you every where 
Until it drove you nuts and you'd push me away 
The older we got the closer we became 
I loved it when you would ask me to come stay 
Remember how we wrote funny poems back and forth 
And you said I smelled like moldy afghan goat cheese? 
You always had the best sense of humor 
Won't you come back to me please? 


Don’t cry Breanna, 
I am not gone 
Carry on sister, 
Carry on, carry on 


Your friends and other family have been here sharing their memories with us 
Eating smiley face fries on the roof in the sun 
Jamming to your favorite "gangster" music each day 
Going to the trail for a walk or run 
Sleepovers and pillow fights, make-up, clothes, and boys 
They share treasured secrets that bring us comfort and joy 
Teachers and friends you haven't seen for awhile 
Have all sent the most beautiful comments about you 
You touched so many, many lives for good 
We know you will live on in them in everything they do 


Don’t cry loved ones, 
I am not gone 
Carry on friends, 
Carry on, carry on 


I've been so blessed to be your father
To have the Lord trust me with your care
I'll always cherish our road trips with the Judd's and Dean
Your cuddle chambers, chili fries requests, and bedtime prayers
Now when I think of you, I smile 
Though my heart is aching from the pain 
I go on because I know you would want me to 
But living without you just isn’t the same 
Desperately clinging to every memory of you 
I think of how you touched our lives in so many ways 
You visit me in my dreams at night 
But I can never make you stay 


Don’t cry daddy,  
I am not gone 
Carry on daddy, 
Carry on, carry on 

I sit in your empty room at night 

Dreaming dreams that will never be. 

Surrounded by all the things you loved, 

For they bring you nearer to me. 

I hug your pillow close to my heart, 

Just a hint of perfume lingers from your shampoo. 

I remember all the time we spent cuddling together. 

Oh sweet girl, I will always love you. 

I long for those precious moments again, 

Yes, I know I’ll have them back in time 

Until then I have my beautiful memories of you 

And your skinny hugging arms wrapped around mine. 

Don’t cry momma, 

I am not gone 

Carry on momma, 

Carry on, carry on 

I sit here by Heavenly Father’s side 
Rubbing my hands through Walnuts soft fur 
Jesus said He will watch over you now 
And send you the spirit as a comforter 
The angels sing me "Come, Come Ye Saints" 
When I want to feel you near 
And when you say your prayers at night 
They always let me hear 

Amanda Kellie Andrews
Beloved daughter, sister, cousin, and friend
Rest in Heaven my love
12-19-95 to 7-11-2012

So don’t cry family, 
I am not gone 
Carry on family, 
Carry on, Carry on

A Father's Kiss

In loving memory of my baby girl Amanda. 16 years were not enough. 
You are ours for eternity and we will see you on the other side. 

Amanda Kellie Andrews 12/19/1995-7/11/2012

Her Father holds her in His loving arms, 
And with a kiss He lets her go. 
He sends his beloved daughter down, 
To her family waiting below. 


He knows that they will love her, 
With every fiber of their hearts. 
The temple bond He sealed them in, 
Promises they will never truly part. 


His Father’s intuition reminds Him 
How faith can be shaken when in rough seas, 
So He blows kisses from the heavens 
To etch her smile forever in their memories. 


A family kneels in prayer together. 
Hearts breaking as they try to comprehend. 
How the love and joy they shared with her, 
Could come so abruptly to an end. 


He tries His best to comfort them, 
Somehow hoping to lighten their load. 
The bonds of eternity begin to strengthen, 
As she prepares their castle at the end of their road. 


She sits, perfected, by His side, 
As He watches the scene below. 


Her father holds her in his loving arms, 

And with a kiss he lets her go.

Mommy

"We'll love you forever. We like you for always. As long as we are living, our baby you'll be."

Hugs Heal - So Hug Like You Mean It

I've been thinking a lot about hugs lately. Strange right? Let me explain...


A few weeks ago, my friend Ted Eytan (@tedeytan for you twitter followers) introduced me to a special lady named Lauree Ostrofsky (@simplyleap) through a tweet which was on the subject of hugs.  Lauree is the founder of Simply Leap and has been going around the country on what she calls a "Hug Tour". The message is simple... Hug like you mean it. 

"My hug tour is a personal journey with a larger purpose. I want the people in my life to know they are important. To feel that they are loved, because they are. I also hope that my actions encourage others to share love. As adults we can be apprehensive, or just preoccupied, to show how we really feel. In answer to that, I say: It’s time to hug like you really mean it."  - Lauree

How can one tweet make you rethink how you hug? Rethink your life? I guess that's really the power of Twitter. The messages, though sometimes life-changing, are short and sweet - the reader must decide what and how to interpret and/or apply. When I read about Lauree's #hugtour, my first thought was... she really is brave. You see, I didn't come from a big family of huggers, at least not growing up. I don't recall my mom being overly affectionate, though I know she loved me. My dad was on the road a lot for work, so I do remember him hugging us as he would come and go. I DO remember a couple of family friends who were like uncles to us that always gave hugs. My uncle Dan, who was the stand in father figure when my dad was away and David who liked to hug a little too much (He turned out to be a child molester - so his creepy hugs don't count).  My step-dad is a big hugger, but I think I felt like it would be betraying my dad if I accepted them as freely as they were given. Other than that, I didn't really have a lot of huggers in my life who hugged "like they meant it". You know the kind of hug that says, "I care about you and I'm not going to let you go". 


It's such a strange and almost uncomfortable feeling for me when I encounter someone who hugs like they mean it. It is cathartic and terrifying at the same time. Sometimes I feel like I have so much of my past built up inside me that I fear if someone were to hug me with their heart and soul too long I would quite possibly crumble in tears. 


Is it a sad statement when you can list the hugs that you remember that changed you a little bit inside? Here are the hugs that I etched their memory in to my heart.


Hugging my dad when he and my mom separated and he was leaving for his new appt. Hugging him when he left for Saudi Arabia to work for a few years. Running to hug him every time he came to see us. 


Hugging my sister Kellie who was going to live with my grandmother when she was 13. 


Hugging my sister Kim after helping her pack a bag so she could run away. Having her tell me to look out for my younger sister.


Hugging my boss, who was more like a fatherly figure to me than a boss, who could just tell that something was wrong when I showed up for work without a smile on my face. He made me go sit down with him. Told me I didn't need to talk if I didn't want to. I couldn't find the words, but the tears I had been holding back for the last hour started to fall. He got up and hugged me. He hugged me through all of my sobbing and heart ache. He hugged me until I could whisper the words; Right before I left for work my younger sister told me that one of my best friends, Robbie, was killed in a car accident the night before. 

Hugging my best friend Lara right before I drove away to start a new life in Southern California... without her. She was my family and a huge piece of my heart. Leaving her behind left a piece of me too.


Hugging my two year old after she saved me from her father who had me pinned down to ground and was strangling me. My brave little hero came to my rescue, climbing on his back as she cried "No papi No!" Her plea broke him from his wicked spell. He climbed off me, kicked me in the ribs and walked away. Leaving her to hold my head while I caught my breath.


Hugging my soon to be second husband as he broke down in tears. His ex-wife had taken their daughter (HIS heart and soul) and hid her away. 


Hugging a lady named Sherri Green who I met when I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Her hugs were so full of love and strength... they scared me. I wasn't used to someone hugging me like that... like a mother would do. 


Hugging my sister Kim who moved away to Texas to start her new life when she was just 19 years old. I hadn't seen her for a couple years and I was in Texas for a conference that I was speaking at. She drove from Lubbock to San Antonio after working all day to spend a day and half with me. When she got to my hotel, she gave me one of her bear hugs. Tight and secure... full of sisterly love.


Hugging my nephew Matt when I stepped off the plane in Alabama to go to his college graduation. He and I have become quite close over the years and it was like hugging one of my own children. I wish he lived closer to us, but since he doesn't, our hugs have to last until the next time we'll see each other.


Hugging Lara again after not seeing her for several years. She will always be my best friend and soul sister.


Hugging my boss, Gail Lindsay(@nurseqm) and co-worker, Ruthie Goldberg, after having a bit of a nervous breakdown at work.


Hugging a lady at a grocery store who stopped me tell me I was beautiful. I broke down in tears and, without any hesitation, she hugged me whole again. Earlier that day my mother-in-law had told me I was fat and should consider gastric bypass. I spent the rest of the day telling myself I was ugly and unworthy, until I met this random woman who said I was beautiful. 


Hugging two friends I had met through Twitter at DC HealthCamp and The Walking Gallery Event. The first was a hug from Regina Holliday(@reginalholliday). Her hug said, "I get you and I love you for being who you are." Then, meeting Lisa Fields(@practicalwisdom) who I had made an instant connection with through Twitter. When we met, she hugged me until I almost cried. Had nothing else in DC gone right, the trip would have all been worth it because of that hug.


Hugging my daughters every day, who won't let me walk by them without a REAL hug. I love the way they make me feel.


Hugging my chiropractors massage therapist who confided in me that he was feeling numb from the loss of a best friend. We talked about his pain and my own numbness when my best friend had died. When he finished massaging my neck, I reached out and gave him a hug. Only this hug was different from what I was used to giving. All I could hear in the back of my mind was Lauree saying "Hug him like you mean it. Show him that you care." So I hugged him tight and didn't let go. After about a minute he started to cry, and I cried with him. All I could think was... Hugs really do heal. 


I will be 45 this Saturday, July 7th and I find it a little disturbing that I'm figuring this out so late in life, but there is no better time to start like the present. From now on, I'm going to hug like I mean it. If you are a sideways, one-arm-around-the-back hugger, please know that I will not let you get away without giving you a full on, two-armed hug. (If you only have one arm, I will still accept a one-armed hug, but you had better damn well mean it!)


I realize now, as I write this blog, that the hugs that really impacted me the most throughout my childhood are the hugs where someone was telling me goodbye. I don't want to think of hugs like that anymore. I want my hugs to be healing and full of love...for me and the recipient. To those who have hugged me with their whole heart... thank you. Whether you knew it or not, you have helped me heal a little bit with each embrace.  


Huh... it seems that Twitter really can help change the world. One 140 character Tweet and hug at a time.


p.s.
Need some hug inspiration? Check out Lauree's HugWall. You can even send her pictures and she'll post them.