Well Taken Care Of

It started as just another day for me
Nothing special, significant, or grand
One more visit to the doctors office
For these lungs that can't meet their demand


Greeted with a smile and a warm heart
Tina's kindness was comforting and genuine
As she performed the test on my lungs
She reminds me it's time for a mammogram... again


I told her I really hate that painful squeezing
and I didn't have the time anyway
What if I made it easy for you 
and could get you in right away?


I said I would give it some thought
Her persistence was gentle but persuading
She walked me over to mammography
Leaving absolutely no chance of me evading


A suspicious area is what they said
A biopsy would soon follow
I found my way back to Tina 
Tears made it so hard to swallow


Another visit to the oncologist 
We caught it just in time
A lumpectomy and no need for chemo
I was going to be just fine


The excitement filled my heart with joy
Someone special I needed to find
She was the one who saved my life
Who gave me this peace of mind


No "What If's" for me to worry about
All because of Tina's gentle shove
Everyone was kind and caring
I felt so well taken care of


Thank you to all my partners in health
I know these words will never do
But my gratitude is deep and overflowing
I will live because of you


Written by me for a patient of ours who needed help expressing how she felt.

Inspiration Point

Inspiration Point - Courtesy of 

Postivityworks.wordpress.com

There will always be times when you feel discouraged. 
I too have felt despair many times in my life, 
but I do not keep a chair for it;
I will not entertain it. It is not allowed to eat from my plate.
The reason is this: In my uttermost bones I know something,
as you do. It is that there can be no despair when you remember
why you came to Earth, who you serve, and who sent you here.
The good words we say and the good deeds we do are not ours:
they are the words and deeds of the One who brought us here. 
In that spirit, I hope you will write this on your wall:
When a great ship is in harbor and moored, it is safe, 
there can be no doubt. But that is not what great ships are built for. 
This comes with much love and prayer that you remember 
who you came from, and why you came to this beautiful, needful earth.

—Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D

http://positivityworks.wordpress.com/2011/03/21/words-to-think-on-dealing-with-despair/

Underneath My Wonder Woman Cape

My sister and I were talking the other day and she confided in me that as her body tiptoes into menopause she is experiencing a seesaw of emotions which makes her feel weak. "One minute I'm up, the next I'm down. You are such a rock" she tells me, "you always have been". We both know that is not true, but I rarely let the outside world know of my internal and private struggles. (Unless of course, you read my blog) Friends, family, and co-workers know the smiling "see the world with all of it's bright colors" Kristen.  


When my sister told me she feels like crying all of the time, how she just wants to sleep, and she has been gaining weight, I told her she should talk to her doctor because it sounded to me like she was experiencing signs of depression. Even as I said those words, feelings of being a hypocrite crept upon me. The voice in my head shouted "What about YOU?!?!" Who me? I can handle my issues on my own... I always have. "Except for the time you took a handful of sleeping pills and your friend had to put his fingers down your throat to make you puke them up" the voice reminds me. "That was a very long time ago" I think, as I bury that memory down deep.  


One of my former employees sent me an email after reading one of my blog posts that said "what makes you a great leader that people respect is that you aren't afraid to share raw emotions to help the meaning of what we do sink in." I guess in my own way, I believe if I put myself out there and share what I have gone through or what I am going through, it will give someone else the strength to share their own stories or get the help they need. The way I find my way through the world is by writing it all out and bearing my soul in the process. So... In the spirit of being a good leader, better sister, and just plain real, here is the side of Kristen that hides under the Wonder Woman cape.


Most days, I am absolutely fine and the person you see is really me and I am happy. But there are days, sometimes weeks, that old memories bubble up to the rim of my already full life. Days that I fight back tears and have absolutely no desire to interact with others, eat, talk, exercise, or just BE. Not that I feel like hurting myself or anyone else, but times when I just want to stop the world and get off for a while. Times when my mind feels so cloudy that I actually avoid trips to my doctor because she knows me well enough to see through my facade, and I don't want anyone, not even her, to think I am not the person they think they know. Sometimes those feelings are brought on by "trigger events" like birthdays of someone I loved who has passed on or the anniversary of their death. Other times it is related to my work. Not the stress of my work, because I manage that pretty well, but the subject of the work itself. For instance, when we started our alcohol screening initiative I was reminded on a daily basis of the day I lost my best friend to an alcohol related car accident. The loss I felt after his death and other circumstances in my life with my family pushed me in to a world of true depression so dark that I thought I would be better off leaving it. Thankfully, a friend intervened. 


Recently we have been working on Domestic Violence screening so I felt inspired to share my personal story as a domestic violence survivor through my blog(s). Because of my DV blog someone reached out to me to help their friend and, while I'm extremely grateful that I could help, it conjured up emotions that I had disassociated myself from for some time and it sent me in to grey days. I was recently asked to join the Domestic Violence committee at work and at the first meeting my friend said wanted me to share my personal story with the group. I literally felt like I was about to have a panic attack because though I have had private conversations about my past, I have never been asked to vocalize my experience in front of a group.  I was so grateful that we ran out of time and that part was skipped, at least for that meeting. I know I want to use that chapter of my life to help educate others  so I will have to find a way to cope with the overwhelming emotions that come from bringing those skeletons out of my closet. Baby steps though.


Now the focus is on Depression Screening and there is a voice inside me screaming "Yes... we need to find THESE people who need our help" and a quieter voice saying,"but, whatever you do, don't screen me because I'm just fine." Right?


From a young age I used writing and music to deal with and share my emotions. If I was upset about something, I would write a poem or a story and slip it under my mom's bedroom door and we would talk about it on the way to school. One of my first poems was called "A Point of View of a Spider" as a plea to get my mom to stop killing spiders, but growing up in a pretty dysfunctional family - my teenage years introduced darker topics like "On the Edge of Suicide". My mom freaked when I slipped that one under her door. I remember the drive to school that morning and this expression on her face that was a mix of irritation, concern, and panic all mixed together. She looked at me and said "Do I need to worry about this?" "Nope... I'm good" was all I said, even though I wasn't. Music has also been a huge part of my life. I grew up around music because my dad's band would use our house to practice. There are times when I can't find the right words to express my thoughts, so I lose myself in music until the words come along. The one that helped carry me through my teenage years and the death of my friend Robbie was "Lord is it Mine?" by Supertramp. I would slip my cassette in to my yellow sony walkman and go down to the park where I would climb a tree and hide from the world.

These past couple years, while as amazing as it is to be in the role I am in at work, have come with many challenges.  There are times when work, family, home, being adult (with bills to pay), and dealing with fibromyalgia can get to be a bit overwhelming.  This song "Swim" by Jack's Mannequin has helped me pull through the difficult times by reminding me of the reasons I do what I do and who I do it for.  Occasionally, you're going to get caught up in turbulent seas and the only thing you can so is just "swim".  

When I put on my work clothes, it is like I'm putting on a different me. The person with all those fears, doubts, and worries gets pushed aside and the strong, confident Kristen takes her place. The one that always responds "great" when someone asks how I am or cracks a joke to make someone else smile. However, Wonder Woman Kristen knows that there is a different person quietly hiding under that flowing cape waiting to surface and lately I've been thinking that, "Yes... some people can handle most things on their own, but perhaps it takes an even stronger person to ask for help when it's just too much". Feeling sad or down occasionally is normal. Depression isn't and shouldn't have to be. We should all just take off our super capes and let the world see us for who we are and allow others to help us paddle through life together.


Wondering if you or someone you love is suffering from symptoms of depression, use this  Interactive Tool: Are You Depressed?

If you think you have a medical or psychiatric emergency, call 911 or go to the nearest hospital. 

Steps You Can Take To Feel Better

Want to know what songs I use to work through my gray days? Check out my iTunes Playlist - Hold On

I See You

I see you... Sitting on the exam room table
Bare back exposed through an undersized gown
Hands twisting together in nervous anticipation
The person I've come to know through ups and downs
I see you... grey hair speckled through shades of black
Skin pale and freckled... wrinkles slowly staking their claim
You have been my patient for so many years now
I've grown to welcome the sight of your name


I see you with your list in your lap
The latest of ailments to set in
I know these pains are more than just aging
How your heart still aches from loosing him
I saw the brave act you put on for my nurse
But I'm grateful you drop down your guard with me
I ask how you are and see tears swell in your eyes
Though your voice whispers "fine"... You know I can see


I hand you a Kleenex and sit quietly... Waiting
Allowing this moment of release you so desperately need
"Sometimes it's just so hard" you say softly
Wounds so very deep; but they never bleed
I take your hand and ask how I can make things better
You stare at my hand on yours and say "you just did"
A simple gesture they didn't cover in medical school
That I learned from my mom when I was a kid


I see you... Not just a patient but a person
And though at times I admit I've forgotten
I know compassion is the first medicine I must offer
Before any other medical healing can begin
I am grateful that you still confide in me
You are a reminder of why I do what I do
And if you continue to trust in me
I promise... I will always see you